I should have written this a long time ago.

I have sweaty palms and a churning stomach as I open up this page to write and share. An overwhelming, all too familiar, sense of dread washed over me.

I formed an entire nonprofit based on my experience, so you’d think putting together a blog would be a piece of cake.

It’s not.

Because a large part of my experience involved being verbally assaulted and manipulated into believing I wasn’t only bad at soccer (my favorite thing in the world), but also a horrible person who offered zero value to those around me.

I know, you’re probably thinking, “wow this chick is dramatticcccc.”

Every athlete’s had ‘tough coaches,’ right? But the fact is, there’s a tangible difference between demanding your athletes to dig deep and produce results, and the experience I went through. Believe me, I’ve had tough coaches. Unfortunately, our culture makes it easy to blur the line between those two realities and can even champion those who do so while minimizing others’ experiences.

Most of my teammates and I persevered by finding the humor in it all (when you’re left off a travel squad for saying good morning “in the wrong tone,” it’s hard not to) but we also lived in a reality that normalized our coach’s irrational behavior.

I can be a little intense.

An extreme perfectionist with some serious self esteem issues is little freshman Maggie in a nutshell. At 14.

For better or worse, I think these (admittedly toxic) mental patterns are what got me to such a high level of athletics. I was able to play four years of D1 athletics and then continue to play professionally because the fear of failure drove me to put nothing above my success. Achievement defined me. And, I was usually pretty good at it. I mention all of this because I think a lot of athletes have a similar mentality. We are super competitive, trained to give our all 100% of the time, stopping at nothing for success.

Who doesn’t want a super driven, competitive person on their team?

The flip side of this reality is that some college coaches know this about athletes and will specifically recruit for it. This is all fine and good until that mentality is taken advantage of and used to manipulate someone into believing they aren’t good enough—at their sport, at life, at anything. You might think, okay that’s a bit of a leap—your sport and life? For an athlete who has been constantly defined and admired for their athletic achievements, let me tell you, it’s not.

I have zero desire to bash my collegiate program. I loved my team and, for the most part, the good outweighed the bad in my experience. That being said, not speaking about the trauma I experienced only perpetuates the problem. For me, it was a toxic coaching relationship. For some, it may be teammate issues or other academic hardships. Whatever the struggle is, I think it’s important to note that nearly every athlete has experienced some version of struggle in their career.

When you meet a fellow collegiate athlete on the street, you instantly feel a bond with them, they GET it. It’s not the 40+ hours a week of physical work that makes college athletics hard, it’s the grueling (and often abusive) mental conditions you’re put in when you’re in the midst of entering the adult world and figuring out who you are. In a perfect scenario, this is still an incredibly hard and impressive experience to have gone through. If even one thing is off in that delicate balance, an athlete’s world can come tumbling down.

There needs to be more athlete-dedicated resources.

The passing of Katie Meyer hit me particularly hard. I had a teammate who fought depression during her time on my team and I’m happy to say she’s alive and thriving today. But that could have been her or one of the many other teammates I saw struggle. We all know someone like Katie Meyer, like Sarah Shulze, like Lauren Bernett. My heart still aches for their family and friends grieving these tragic losses.

As much as there’s shock and outrage in the wake of each of these tragedies, the truth is, it shouldn’t be that shocking to us. The amount of pressure we place on student-athletes (and glorify them for enduring) is colossal. College athletics has turned into a pressure cooker in which we throw our highest achieving perfectionists and then close our eyes and blindly hope they come out on the other side.

Change needs to happen.

On a more positive note, there are good people out there who care deeply about the well being of athletes. Organizations like Soccer Resilience®, The Hidden Opponent and many others were all intentionally formed to give athletes support. I formed CACE Answers with a similar goal – to make the student-athlete experience better. Our team provides student-athletes with the resources necessary to make informed decisions regarding their college experiences. From transfer advice to compliance questions, we offer a safe space to ask questions without repercussions or judgment from coaches.

I wish I had this resource when I was in college, which is why our team decided to create CACE.

This is a hard subject to talk about. But it’s an important one and I want to be part of the solution. If you or anyone you know needs compliance advice or just wants to chat, please reach out to me. You’re worth it!

Maggie Bell
maggie@caceanswers.com
CACE Answers

Maggie is a recent graduate of the University of California, Berkeley, and a former professional athlete. She competed for the Bears as a Division 1 soccer player for four years and majored in political science. She most recently played professional soccer for MSV Duisburg in Germany and is in the process of applying for law school. During her time at Cal, she also worked for the newly established Cameron Institute for student-athlete development and has personal experience navigating difficult compliance situations that arise as a student-athlete. After four years in the student-athlete community, she hopes to use her experience to help improve other student-athletes’ college experiences.